Dirk Beeftower & the Goombay Jugs

This 4th of July weekend my friend Ron and I found ourselves invited to a BBQ and pondered over what to bring. Should we bring food? No. There was going to be plenty of good eats as usual. Marshall and Cecilia always put out a great spread. So the next thought was something to drink. I asked Ron what he thought and he responded, “Well, we can bring beer, wine or booze.” Ummm..yeah. Obviously.

It was turning out to be a beautiful 88 degree sunny summer day so we thought, let’s bring something tropical! We’ll pick up some rum and juices and make some fruity drinks. Better yet, we’ll prepare them beforehand and show up with jugs of Goombay Smashes!”

Next stop…the liquor store.  But wait… what are we going to put them in? Ron matter-of-factly pointed out, “We can get two gallon jugs of water for, like, 85 cents each”. I replied, “Ok, but what are going to do with the water?”. Ron said, “We could just dump it out – I’ll give you a dollar seventy to stop talking about it.”
Decision made. We bought the two gallon jugs of water, pinapple juice, white rum and coconut rum and we were good to go. The thought of getting it into the gallon jugs puzzled us for a second, as measuring and pouring the ingredients into the now empty jugs while driving in a bouncy, open Jeep might have proved troublesome, as well as illegal. So we went back to the house and created the concoction there.

Jugs in hand, we arrived at the party to find Cecilia had done her usual magic combining great party apps like her delicious homemade guacamole with a cool, relaxing outdoor party atmosphere. “What’s in the jugs?” asked Marshall.. “Goombay Smashes” we replied, “Who wants one?” Of course everyone did. Stupid question on our part.

For the rest of the evening, the beer cooler remained untouched and the wine remained uncorked. The jugs were jiggy. “Be careful” they were warned, “they may taste fruity, but they’re all booze.” “Uh-huh. Can I have another?”
Cut to an hour later. The jugs were dry. And so was the humor. The group Marshall and Cecilia had assembled on this warm summer evening all shared the same thing in common…a smart, quick-witted sense of humor. And the laughs were non-stop. A day later, as I sit writing this, my stomach still feels like I spent last night doing a thousand stomach crunches. I’d write all the funny moments down here, but the Goombay Smashes have somehow erased the patch of neurons containing that information.

But to get back to the parts of the story I do remember, once the jugs were empty we found ourselves uninterested in switching to beer or wine. The crowd was “hooked on tropics” and the call went out for more fruity drinks! So Ron did as he often does, he rose to the occasion and off he went to the kitchen to find ingredients for another concoction. What he returned with was a delicious libation he later named “The Key Lime Pie.” After dumping Citron Vodka, rum, orange juice, lime aid, lemonade, a little gin, and then a dusty half bottle of coconut rum he found in the back of the pantry into the empty gallon jug, it tasted exactly like a slice of Key Lime pie. Brilliant!

All these summer drink shenanigans were accompanied by a delicious spread of food. The grill was layered with hamburgers, hot dogs, sausages and London broil. Accompaniments included bean salads and a delicious pineapple salsa.

So you’re probably wondering where Dirk Beeftower comes in. Cecilia, always the perfect party hostess, had a surprise door prize. The recipient of the prize would be determined by a simple raffle. Pick the name out of a hat. But after a few gallons of fruity, rum-laced deliciousness… and inhibitions dwindling… we decided it would be better to submit our names into the basket as aliases. Something funny or clever, or your porn name…derived from your first pet and the street you grew up on etc. We would, as a group, vote on the best submission.

After a raucous recital of clever names like Bunny Buford, Snoopy Snodgrass and Amanda Kissundhugg, the name with the most votes turned out to be…dadada daaaHH…Dirk Beeftower!

Ok, I guess you had to be there.

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